Merry Christmas to all!

Here is a picture of Shoebert and Albert with Santa in 2000.  They were about 10 months old and still loved Santa!

Just a reminder, Hilbert's Happy Wednesday always has a free Kindle book from the Hilbert's Happy Day series on Wednesdays.  The third book is coming soon.

Rat Terrier Christmas

It’s Christmas time!  Mini and I have been spreading holiday cheer around the nursing home.  Both she and I (but especially Mini) were a bit hit in our festive attire.  Doesn’t she look great in her party dress?

The Rat Dog Pack wishes you all a wonderful holiday season and a very happy 2013 with peace on earth, goodwill to all.  God bless us everyone.

 

Hilbert 2.0

I recently entered a writing contest.  The rules were to write a science related story in no more than 350 words.  I didn't win.  However, you can read the story here!

Hilbert 2.0

‘Drop it.’

‘Grrrrr’

‘I said “drop it.”’

‘GRRRRR’

Whack.

Thunk.

My anachronistic, resource squandering, tree killing insistence on receiving New Scientist in hardcopy comes in handy as Mini drops the remote control.

Mini, aka, Hilbert 2.0, is my dog.  Hilbert, my previous dog, died last March.  When Hilbert died I went into a depression, locking myself in my room, reading years of archived stories on NewScientist.com. 

I studied every article I could find on cloning.  Finally realizing that a cloned version of Hilbert would neither look nor act exactly the same as the original, I decided the world would be better if I adopted a shelter dog.

But then I hit upon robotics and artificial intelligence.  Hundreds of e-mails later, from every continent, with lots of help from Google Translate, I had a workable plan.

I bartered for a wireless router; a set of speakers; a heating pad; miscellaneous electronic bits and a Commodore 64.  For this I gave up my collection of Philip K. Dick hardbacks -- not a problem because I have them all on my Kindle.  I added to the haul some fabric and a roll of duct tape.   Then I set to work.

After eight days straight living on coffee and soldering fumes, I loaded the neural network into my new Hilbert.  Due to some conversion problems (damn metric system!) I ended up with a dog two-thirds the size of Hilbert. Hence, the nickname Mini.  That was six months ago.

Apart from size, Mini is Hilbert, including his chaotic, random number, decision tree powered brain.  If it runs, chase it; if not, eat it.  The only other difference is house-training; I deliberately omitted that.

Tired and sweaty from running after Mini, I go up to soak in a warm bath.  I grab a dead tree edition of New Scientist off the back of the toilet.  At least it won’t short circuit if I drop it in the tub, unlike my Kindle.

‘No, Mini, down.  NO!’

Splash.

Sigh.  Time to visit the animal shelter.   

Shoebert putting the back issues of

 New Scientist to use the rat terrier way

BTW, don't let the story mislead you.  I would never hit Mini or any of my dogs with a rolled up Magazine.

Free Kindle book November 30

This Friday (11/30/2012) How (Not) to Kiss Your Dog will be free on Kindle! Yes, you read right - IT'S FREE!

/http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0083YGS4C

Mini gets another rabbit

A few weeks after the rabbit leg incident, I was home sick (see below) resting in the living room.  The dogs were out in the yard for quite a while, giving me some peace.  Mini came strutting in holding the body of a rabbit.  And I mean body; the head and one of the front legs were gone.  There was no blood, but it still looked pretty fresh.  I gathered it up, wrapped it in some plastic bags and disposed of it as I have others in the past.  Read How (Not) to Kiss Your Dog for the details.

Do you dress up your pets for Halloween?

Here is Hilbert in his Halloween costume last year.  He is the horse for the headless horseman.

 

 

Here he is the year before as a clown

 

 

Free Kindle book October 17

It's another Hilbert Happy Wednesday.  This Wednesday the free Kindle book is Hilbert's Happy Day.  October 17.  Check Amazon every Wednesday for Hilbert's Happy Wednesday.  And stay tuned for the next installment, Hilbert's Story Tail Day coming in November!

Mini and the rabbit

I was taking a break, eating pizza (focahia bread topped with pizza sauce and melted Ropp Dairy tomato, basil, garlic cheese curds – Yum, yum) and watching TV, when Mini came in with something nasty in her mouth.  I thought at first it was a small intestine (long and gray, like an overboiled footlong hotdog with one end open and half the stuffing fallen out).  Since she has so few teeth, she had to drop it on the floor and I swooped over and grabbed it up.  Luckily for me, I had a napkin in my hand at the time!   It turned out to be a rabbit’s foot and leg that had been taken over by maggots then chewed by Mini.

Since I was curious, I went out in the backyard to find the rest of the rabbit.  I finally found it in the vegetable garden, between the tomato plants.  It had been there for a few days.  Its guts were gone, probably sucked out and eaten by the dogs, parts were here and there, and there was a coating of tiny, rice like maggots wriggling over them.  There was no way that I was going to touch that writhing mass, so I left it to Mother Nature.

Later that evening, I went up to the guestroom to read a book (The Pirates: In an Adventure with Ahab) and smelt something musky and pungent.  I found a bone on the bed – the same bed that Mini and Shoebert spend their days on.  It appeared to be a pelvis.  It was picked clean and didn’t smell.  Then I noticed the spot on the bed.  Someone had either barfed or had nasty diarrhea that oozed all the way down to the mattress cover.   At the time I bought the mattress, I thought I had fallen for the hard sell at the mattress store when Henry, the salesman, talked me into getting the overpriced and WATERPROOF covers, but now I’m feeling much better about the decision!

Free Kindle Book

Somehow I messed up with this Hilbert Wednesday.  But How (Not) to Kiss Your Dog will be free tomorrow and Friday.  Please, download it, read it and let us know what you think!

And be on the look out next Wednesday for both Hilbert's Playful Day and Hilbert's Happy Day Bilingual free on Amazon!

Sick in Bed

T: How was your day?

S: I kept waking up coated with sweat.

T: What about Minipoo?

S: She slept on the floor by the closet.

T: No-- did you wake up in a pile of Mini poo?  Never think that I would ever use a term of endearment to describe that dog.

Free Kindle Book Wednesday

It's another Hilbert Happy Wednesday!  This time you can download Hilbert's Playful Day.  For FREE.  September 19.

More Crap Eating

I was walking Mini and Shoebee when Shoebee squatted to pooh.  Because of his food (ZD Ultra) his poo is often soft.  The pooh came out of his butt in one long soft string, like brown toothpaste being squeezed from the tube.  As he squatted, Mini came over and started sniffing his anus.  After telling her that her behavior was disgusting, she took a bite out of the pooh!

I did a little research and found a suggestion to cure her of this behavior – feed her pineapple.   I’m trying that now, so stay tuned to find out the results.  I also spoke to the vet who performed her last surgery (more on that perhaps in a later post).   He informed me that the clinical name for pooeating is coprophagy.  His advice was to put a little MSG on her food.  So far, the pineapple seems to be working.  Or else she is pooing so much that she can’t keep up with it all.

Why (not) kiss your dog?

Mini’s bladder control

Mini had lived at CISAR for over 18 months and then at Paradise for nearly 6 months.  She was seven years old when she was dropped off at CISAR, and, according to her adoption papers, she is seven years old now!  At CISAR, she did not have to worry about housetraining.

When she arrived home Mini-bert had a problem with peeing and poohing in the house.  It took a couple of days to teach her how to use the doggie door, but once she learned, she was in and out. 

That did not stop her from continuing to mess in the house. 

I caught her eating her pooh.  At least she is not a kisser like Shoebert, who loves whipping his tongue around inside the mouth of anyone unlucky or foolish enough to have their face close enough to his and their lips not tightly sealed.

This may have its bright side.  So long as she eats it, I don’t have to clean it off the carpet. 

 

Free Kindle book today only!

I put together some photos of Hilbert with a simple rhyming story and published it on Kindle.  I don't know how to make it free all of the time, but Amazon allows me to pick up to five free promotion days every three months.  I'll try to make a version free most Wednesdays.  So, if you miss today, look for another Happy Hilbert Wednesday!  Hilbert's Happy Day (Bilingual English Espanol)!

Mini-bert Joins the pack

I brought Miss Minnie home on a Thursday to see how she would do.  The plan was to take her back to Paradise on Friday so she could see the vet.  She was still healing from having a tumor removed from her spleen.

On Friday, I got a call from Paradise telling me that Minnie would have to stay the weekend with the vet.  She had been eating pea gravel and it had blocked her stomach from emptying!  The tip off to the vet that she had a blockage was when she barfed rancid, stinking, foul vomit all over the exam table.  After a weekend on laxatives, she passed the rocks in her poo, was fine and ready to come home with me.  We filled out the paperwork and she became a Bert-dog.

We rode home in the convertible and soon as I took off her leash, Mini-bert ran straight to the Lazyboy, jumped up and plopped herself down.  She was home!

Attack of the Cicadas

It is now cicada season.  These little critters, which in Texas we called locusts, live as grubs for seven years then come out to mate, lay eggs and die.  They are out in mass.  Go out just after sunset, stand under any tree and the sound is deafening.

My dogs love cicadas.  It’s like an Easter egg hunt the way they go after the dead ones.  Hilbert was an expert at finding them.

 

We were out walking one late summer morning when Hilbert was just over a year old.  A cicada landed on the ground near Hilbert.  He quickly grabbed it up in his mouth.  Suddenly, it started buzzing.  He spat it out, jumped back, barked at it for a while -as if to scold it for startling him- and then grabbed it up again. After one crunch, the buzzing stopped and Hilbert swallowed it.  After that the fresh ones became his favorites. 

The vet says that cicadas are a cheap and healthy source of protein for dogs.  Who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch?

Hey book lovers!  Today only you can get the FREE KINDLE BOOK version of How (Not) to Kiss Your Dog. 
http://www.amazon.com/How-Not-Kiss-Your-ebook/dp/B0083YGS4C/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345224096&sr=8-1&keywords=how+not+to+kiss+your+dog

Download it now and let the Rat Dog Pack know what you think!

Albert ended up leaving us just a few of months after he arrived.  He and Shoebert did not get along.  They had a very violent fight and ended up at the emergency vet.  Shoebert's face was covered in stitches.  After that, the two of them could not be together.  Since we had had Shoebert longer and Shoebert has always been Tim's favorite and Shoebert has food allergies and a very expensive diet, we found another home for Albert.  He went to live with a childless, dogless family in Naperville.

We became a two dog familiy after that and stayed that way until Hilbert died eleven years later.

Albert says goodbye

Albert visits the nursing home

Albert was gentle enough to visit the nursing home with me for a while.  Some of his  nursing home stories are in How (Not) to Kiss Your Dog. Here he is with his friend Ferne. 

Ferne made the best brownies in the world.  Dogs are not allowed to eat these.  They cannot eat chocolate or they will get sick and maybe even die.  I was reminded of this by Shoebert.

Here is the recipe for Ferne’s brownies.  Oleo is an old fashioned term for margarine.  You could probably use butter instead.  You can also melt unsweetened baking chocolate instead of the cocoa and  oleo.

Ferne's Chocolate Brownies

12 Tbs cocoa & 4 Tbs oleo

2/3 cup shortening
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp vanilla

1 1/4 cup flour

1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup chopped nuts

Heat oven to 350. Grease 9 X 13 X 2 pan.

Melt cocoa, oleo and shortening over low heat.
Beat in eggs, sugar and vanilla. Sift flour,
salt, and baking powder and blend into
chocolate mixture. Mix in nuts. Spread in

pan and bake 25-30 minutes (check after 20

with a toothpick). Do not over bake.

Albert the trouble maker

One rat terrier is a three ring circus. Two are a three ring circus with the lions and elephants loose. Three are a three ring circus with the lions and elephants loose, the tent canvas having collapsed during an earthquake, all being swept off by a tsunami.  On a good day.

Albert was very good at causing trouble. The rat dog pack was kept in the living room and kitchen area while we were out and at night. The living room was blocked off using a baby gate, the kind that uses pressure to hold it in place. After chewing the tension bar and not having any success, he learned how to throw his body against the gate to knock it over. When I arrived home each afternoon, the dogs would run to the gate and jump against it to greet me. The first time it fell over, it may have been an accident. After that, though, it was clear that Albert knew what he was doing.

When I came home the next day the gate was already on the floor! He had the run of the house, but Hilbert and Shoebert were too timid to step on the fallen gate. They soon got over their reluctance. After that I opened the gate all the way and leaned it against the doorway. If Albert threw himself against it, it wouldn’t fall. This worked for a day. Albert eventually discovered that if he pushed his nose against the edge of the gate where it was leaning against the wall, he could push the gate out enough to walk behind it and out into the house. The other two caught on quickly. There was no way to keep the rat dog pack contained.

I drove a four door Explorer. One of the back seats was kept folded down, so the dogs could run back and forth between the back seat and the cargo area. (I’ve been scolded about not strapping down the dogs when they ride in vehicles, but I was a child in the 60s and grew up without booster seats or back seat safety belts, climbing over from the front seat to the back while the car was moving. And I lived to write this blog.) Albert soon began opening the back seat window by stepping on the button. I thought a first it was accidental, and perhaps it was the first time. I had a master control in the driver’s door that would lock the windows from moving. After I turned it on, Albert continued to jump on his window button and pawed the glass. I think he knew what he was doing.

Look at this face.  Could this face ever misbehave?

You had better believe it!

Albert Joins the Pack

Albert stayed with his mom until he was about eight months old. His people were a couple with three very young – preschool aged - children, one with some learning problems. They were a very busy family. When they bought a house, Albert was living mostly in the yard. He had learned to break the cable tie-out by running back and forth around the corner of the house. The continued bending of the cable would cause it to snap and he would be free. Was he just an active dog or did he really know what he was doing?

With the new house, the kids and the mother dog, Albert became too much. So he moved in with the rest of the rat terrier pack. Here is a photo of the three of them.

Introducing Shoebert

When Hilbert was young, I would take him to doggy daycare.  When he was about a year and a half, I was planning to have him castrated while I went to England for the Christmas/New year’s holiday.  A few weeks before, the postman whose route included the daycare left me a message.  He wanted to breed his rat terrier bitch with Hilbert.  I spent the evening of my 40^th birthday watching my dog have sex.  If you haven’t watched dogs having sex, it is actually quite enlightening.  I won’t go into details in case children are reading, but there is a certain part of the dog anatomy that can stretch even further than his tongue, much further, shockingly further.

The result of this union was three puppies.  The last I heard, Oreo ended up with a woman in McLean Illinois.  The other two were Albert and Shoebert.  Shoebert came home with us once he was weaned.  Albert stayed with his mom ... for the time being.

Shoebert and his shoe

The litter - Oreo, Albert, Shoebert.  Oreo apparently just let out a very loud fart!

Rat Terrier teething

I adopted Hilbert just a week before starting a new job. 

Hilbert was teething when we first got him.  Even though I gave him plenty of chew toys, he preferred my hands and forearms.  People without dogs wondered if I had been hugging rose bushes, but one woman in the HR department was clearly a dog lover.  When I came to her desk to fill out my new employee forms, the first thing she asked was, “What kind of puppy do you have?”
He not only left my arms covered with painful scratches, he also chewed the kitchen wallpaper down through the sheetrock, the legs on the kitchen table and the frame of the sliding glass door.  I still have some of his baby teeth in a jar.

Shoebert wasn’t so bad on the arms and hands when he was teething, but he did find a loose spot on the wallpaper in the living room.  He managed to get his teeth under it enough to get a hold and pull.  He was able to rip off a strip over a foot long!  I think it helped him that he has an underbite.

Intro to Hilbert Continued:

Hilbert spent his first 20 weeks living in a barn.  When Hilbert came home with us it was his first time to live in a house. 
He quickly learned to go out in the backyard to pee and poo or wait until we went on one of our two daily walks.  It was quite comical the first few times it rained.  He would go to the backdoor, go out then run right back in.  He would then go to the front door and beg to go on a walk.  I would hook him to his leash and he would be surprised and disappointed to see that it was also raining in the front!

Here is Hilbert not long after he joined the family.

Welcome to the Rat Dog Pack!  Let me start by introducing you to the pack.

My first rat terrier was Hilbert.  It’s his picture on the cover of How (Not) to Kiss your Dog.  He was a purebred, “Teddy Roosevelt” from a farm near Decatur, Illinois.  Hilbert was the inspiration for many of the more disgusting stories in the book.   

The name Hilbert was very fitting for him because there was a mathematician named David Hilbert who was known for (among other things) posing very difficult problems.  That was my Hilbert, too.

Hilbert died from liver failure at age 13 on March 13, 2012.  He was a very good friend and I will never forget him – especially when I look at the table leg he chewed up as a puppy!